Working in retail has taught me a lot about people.
I'd say, that even though there are millions of people in the world, there are only about 50 or 60 different types that they all can be classified into. Sometimes I can tell just by the way someone walks that they are going to be a bitch. Or if the greasey guy in apparal is going to hit on me. Or if the old couple by framing are going to give me a hard time. And they always do. It's taught me how incredibly two faced people are. My boss, my "friends", my love affairs.
Yesterday when I was working, John N. called and asked when he was working. It was dead in the store so we talked. He asked me if life was treating me better. I just made a noise. We phone-flirted for a while. He's so weird. Our relationship is a very fucked up one. One day we are making fun of eachother and yelling at eachother across the store during close. Then we're making out in the back of his truck and he confesses that his rough exterior is just a mask. Or telling me his deepest darkest secrets. As much as we fight, I still have the respect not to tell anyone. When we see eachother at school, we make quick eye contact then look away. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. Ha. I guess I never really did. We're working tommarow together. Maybe I'll say something to him. Or maybe not.
As for the other John, hell if I know. I haven't talked to him since Thanksgiving. It's probably best. Last night I was sweeping up by the registers at work and a skinny dark shawdowy figure walked by the window. Stopped. Looked at me. Did half a wave. I half waved back and gave an insincere smile. It was Evan. He was smoking a pipe and wearing the trench coat. /sigh memorys! Ah yes, I knew thy trench coat well. It reeked of cigarette smoke and of him but I loved it. I called his house because I knew it was impossible for him to be home that fast. I left a message saying:
Ya know, its odd. I haven't seen you in 8 months almost and I realised something. I'm just not attracted to you anymore. The person I was then and the person I am now are strangers and . . . I guess I just don't love you anymore. Or maybe, I never loved you at all. But there needed to be closure. So. Goodbye Evan, have a nice life, kid.
All the loose ends are being tied up. Slowly, but surely. I still have to apologize to some people and fix some things I broke. Like Wade. I was a bitch to Wade for no reason and he didn't deserve that. Or Bryce for that matter. And Valerie too. That whole thing over the summer was so stupid. As for Desiree and John B. I think that is over and done with. And once again, I think it's for the best. I'm focusing on my school work, my art, my music, my writing and my job. Yesterday I dyed Drews hair. Never has something so simple felt so intimate. My bathtub has a spiral of black dye stained on it. I'll clean it later. /sigh I wish I had someone to kiss right now. Maybe tommarow at work, I'll page John to come to my register for a price check and then once he's there I'll just kiss him. Or maybe not.
Ugh. Jeralyns hugs must be like gold because I have seen only a few. They're pretty rare. I hug too much. Oh well, I guess I hug enough for the both of us. AJ got suspended. I heard. I also heard meth was involved. As much as I dislike the kid, I feel bad. Because meth will kill a kid his size. And just cause I'm not all that fond of him does not mean I want him to die. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't mind before, but in all honesty I would.
I'm married now. Same sex marriage. Well, half same sex marriage. Jamie, Blake and I will be the cutest threesome you've ever seen. I swear. I'm so excited for Berkly. I just know I'm going to like it. And flying with all the team will be fun. Staying in a hotel together and then touring San Fransico together. It'll be grand! I'll be gone for Valentines day. The 17th consecutive Valentines day I'll be alone. Hmmm, maybe I should make Kyle Kittleson a man? Nah. I think I'm going to run for president of the team next year. My only competition thus far is Jordana and Tessmer. So I figure I've got a good chance.
In the state of Arizona, kissing is sex. In which case, I had sex with Ebbie and Austin in the middle of speech and debate class within 3 minutes of one another. Isn't that hoTT?! Hahaha, it's hard to explain. Justin is in town and tommarow morning we are going out for breakfast before I go to work. I'm so excited to see him! I'm gonna go make him a present! Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Elliot Smith, Bright Eyes, The Cure and Rufus Wainwright. So I leave you all with this:
At the center of the world
There is a statue of a girl.
She is standing near a well with a bucket bare and dry.
I went and looked her in the eyes
And she turned me into sand.
This clumsy form that I despise
It scattered easy in her hand.
And came to rest upon a beach,
With a million others there.
We sat and waited for the sea to stretch out
So that we could disappear into the endlessness of blue.
Into the horror of the truth.
You see, we are far less than we knew.
Yeah, we are far less than we knew.
But we knew what we could taste.
Girls found honey to drench our hands.
The men cut marble to mark our graves.
Said that we will need something to remind us of all the
Sweetness that has passed through us (fresh sangria and lemon tea).
The priests dressed children for a choir (white-robed small voices praise Him)
But found no joy in what was sung.
The funeral had begun.
In the middle of the day
When you drive home to your place
From that job that
Makes you sleep back
To the thoughts that keep you awake
Long after night has come to claim
Any light that still remains in the corner of the frame
That you put around her face.
Two pills just weren’t enough.
The alarm clock is going off but you are not waking up.
This isn’t happening.
It is.
Wow, Mike is right, I should write a book. I practicly wrote one just now. heh.
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